Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this