Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines