My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
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Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.