If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
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Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
can you read it!!??
maan!
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
see next tweet for some translations
Pro tip for my good boys out there
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
