11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
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We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
the red hot silly peppers
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er