“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
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We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.