Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!

“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano

king: how would that hel—

advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.