I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
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Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
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