Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.