Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
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Breaking news:
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I can fix him.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Friends that check up on you >
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.