[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
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Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
I think this should do it.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh