@ candidates for local office
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Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
new dr. seuss book dropping:
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
absolute chaos
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
