If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
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When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
SCARY COSTUME
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Shortcut
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.