Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

I’m so full I could puke a horse

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …

DOCTOR: …

ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

This gonna be me in 2 weeks

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?