stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
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Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.