If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
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Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”