I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
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The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
on da cob, we all corn
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Trains are just sideway elevators.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter