much to think about
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On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
*limbos away from your hug*
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk