I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
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People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me