Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

Me: I’m so bored.

Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?

Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.