Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000

Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.