Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
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I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
pat pat
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Lucky old June.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
biblically accurate fire hydrant
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
