*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
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a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I forgot how to panic. Help
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Not recommended for beginners.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
oh my god
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.