Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

my dad when a sex scene comes on

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.