Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny

ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert

HER: nice i love coldplay

ME: ok we have two problems

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”

Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

Google reviews are always so mixed..

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy