Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
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In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Your secret is safeish with me
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT