“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
Well well well…
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.