Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
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Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
What if the weather talks about us?
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.