Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

someone just bragged they had two jobs.

this country is so lost.

🤯🤯🤯

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead