inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
You Might Also Like
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
As per my previous tablet…
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*