It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
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Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*