Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.