Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

I don’t think my car can fly

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS