Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…

– Adam Sandler being handed a script

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

Yes, this is exactly right

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.