Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

gf: where’s that parcel from

me: amazon

gf: what’s in it

me: *bleeding* piranhas

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

SF is the wild wild west man

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

Lmao

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums