I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
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Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
At least try to make it slightly believable
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
giddy up Office Depot
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring