Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

And then there were 4

t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people