Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

Cheer up.

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.