Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
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I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that