Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.