deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Just say no
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
