Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

I wish all tests were things you peed on

Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.