I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Orange cat behavior 😂
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
the three branches of government
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
