I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
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who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
