Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”