Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.

I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.