“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
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Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
