My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
The median voter
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
