Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

Namaste

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*