If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
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If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”